Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Now, I feel this review should really come with a blasphemy warning; the following may not be pretty. It's never easy when a review disagrees with the prevailing public opinion, much less when it's regarding such an anticipated release with an enormous cult following, but such is the situation we find ourselves in...

The Heist

If ever you wanted to see a movie that didn't know what it wanted to be, pop this one pretty high on the list. The Heist (or The Maiden Heist in the US) seems more than a little confused as to who its audience is - far too slow for the expectant Hollywood youth, yet the humour too weird (and the jokes too immature) for any kind of older target. Essentially billed as an older person's Hustle, Christopher Walken, Morgan Freeman and William H. Macy are three ageing gallery security guards who will stop at nothing to make sure that their beloved art doesn't leave the country. I think we can all agree that on paper, that combination of high quality cast and intriguing plot sounds like an excellent prospect, which is why the poor (and direct to video) result is so worrying and disappointing. Sadly, with the storyline (and inconsistent comedy) so drastically over-worked, and the concept so badly laboured, The Heist just becomes another one of Hollywood's immediately forgettable budget-airline in flight movie offerings, rather than the contemporary con movie it could so easily have been.

Jack Reacher

It's no secret that Mr Cruise, Hollywood's pint sized action hero is not my favourite leading man. Unfortunately in this film he does nothing to rebuild those bridges, playing a former military police officer who is more objectionable than Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock, and frustratingly less infallible (however unlikely the scenario). In fact, you'd be forgiven for thinking Jack Reacher may just have been a superhuman publicity role for Cruise; the sharpest mind, the greatest fighter, the finest driver (albeit in a thoroughly mediocre car chase). It sounds like a pretty tall order (pun intended) for that to form the basis of a film I would like, and it plays out almost exactly as you'd expect. There's a really neat idea at the bottom of the story - a man framed for a series of murders that he didn't (but could have) committed, and the only person able to prove his innocence is a detective who swore to bring him to justice for a previous crime that he couldn't get tried for. Sadly, that's pretty much where the interest ends. Some relatively standard double crossing, an ability to piece together meaningless information in a way that borders on omnipotence, and an altogether frustrating father/daughter sub-plot that adds absolutely nothing to the main storyline all add together to bring Jack Reacher crashing to its knees. Sadly, not even a somewhat interesting ten minutes with Robert Duvall is capable of bringing this back from just being another 'Tom Cruise saves the day' film, although this one comes with an extra helping of obnoxiousness.

Perspective is vital when filming a Tom Cruise movie. After all, we wouldn't want the 19 year old girl in the background to be taller than him, would we?

Vital Statistics
Director	Christopher McQuarrie
Cast	Tom Cruise, Rosamund Pike, Richard Jenkins, Werner Herzog, David Oyelowo, Robert Duvall
Length	130 mins
Post Credits Scene	No
TFC Mash-Up	A Few Good Men meets Shooter, but an altogether more disappointing result than that sounds
Star Rating	

The Wolverine

In the first forward-thinking Xmen film since 2006, The Wolverine sets itself some time after the events of X3, with Logan haunted by the death of Jean Grey and living alone and wild in the Canadian Yukon (whose highest point rather delightfully is Mount Logan). Sadly, whilst this film is no doubt a very welcome return to the X franchise in the modern day, that set-up does bring with it a series of rather infuriating dream sequences featuring Famke Janssen, which aside from adding the square root of bugger all to the depth of Logan's character, or indeed the plot as a whole, just feel a bit like what they are; a slightly lazy storytelling technique.

Truth be told, that's not the only thing that feels a little bit weary in this film. The Japanese setting doesn't seem to add a whole lot, save for an excuse to pit Logan against a selection of samurai, although they do make good use of the beautiful locations and the historical significance of the country. The rest just feels a bit too formulaic to really excite, and is riddled with annoying inconsistencies. Perhaps the biggest nuisance though is that the whole thing just feels a little bit 'old Marvel', with a storyline and a set of bad guys that would have felt more at home in a Maguire-era Spider-man, or more worryingly, a 90's Batman and Robin. In fact, aside from the extraordinarily tenuous 'suppressing his mutation' story, which fundamentally doesn't make sense with everything we know about the character, the similarities with 1997's Poison Ivy and The Wolverine's Viper are horrendous in the extreme.


Logan resorts to extreme measures when he forgets to pay for his ticket aboard the bullet train

In fairness, it is true to say that this is a departure (and a better one) from the previous Wolverine-focussed film, with a much grittier and more character based treatment of the story, but if Jackman isn't able to deliver that in a character he's been playing for the best part of a decade and a half, then we may as well all pack up and go home now. Sadly, as a whole, about the only worthwhile thing to stay for is thirty seconds of post-credits intrigue, but even that, aside from turning more than a few heads, just feels slightly like whole movie was a time-filler before they bring the big guns out in 2014. Overall, The Wolverine really isn't a worthy continuation of the franchise, so just keep everything crossed for Days of Futures Past next year...

Pain & Gain

Well as flattering as an exclusive early preview screening is, sometimes the film just doesn't quite live up to the hype. Sadly, as compelling as this one could have been (Mark Wahlberg, body builders, Floridian beaches, pools etc...), and despite its Hollywood A list cast and production team (Michael Bay yelling action, Wahlberg, The Rock and Ed Harris providing the on-screen mayhem), Pain and Gain still somehow falls a long way short. In fairness, the storyline is horrendously ridiculous in the extreme; three bungling fitness fanatics trying to find a shortcut to the American dream by extorting, kidnapping and murdering their way to the top. It's all a bit of a slap in the face that it's a true story, so obviously the source 'material' does somewhat limit the direction the story can take.

I'll admit, there are plenty of lad interests 'ticked off' with this film. Bucket loads of violence, plenty of sportiness, a whole heap of ridiculous humour and a bountiful supply of T&A will no doubt keep the more Neanderthal of my gender at bay, but just cramming as much guy-fodder onto a couple of hours of 35mm film is never going to make for the most interesting of affairs. Indeed, while the first 45 of Pain and Gain is enjoyable enough, the rest does descend into an over-hammed try-hard of a movie, almost pretending to be something it's not.

Tony, I'm not sure swimming is a good idea for you...

With that in mind, it's perhaps no surprise that the piece itself feels a tad over-long (although at 129 minutes, that's probably justifiable) and despite the eventual pay-off being relatively good when it does finally come full circle, the extended storyline in getting to that point does rather take the sheen off it. Coupled with a succession of gratuitous needle shots which is one thing that I will always resent, Pain & Gain was always going to be on the back foot. That said, the black comedy that is well-woven into proceedings does provide some relatively funny moments, which do probably salvage it a star or two.

Project X

And here we go again; another inexplicable 'found footage' teen movie, which as always, adds absolutely no dramatic or narrative benefit to proceedings. As you can tell, my favourite genre. Indeed, Project X falls victim to the standard POV filming issue, whereby it just serves to raise more questions as to why certain events or locations were filmed, and the whole gimmick feels completely unnecessary. That said, what it does allow is for possibly the easiest Hollywood shoot ever - give 200 teenagers alcohol and a load of Flip cams and make a film out of the result. So at the very least, there are some brownie points for realism. In fact, in all fairness, there are also some mildly amusing moments, but as a whole, Project X is a little overrun with silliness to make it a genuinely good comedy. Of course, the 'party gets out-of-hand' plotline doesn't allow too much wiggle-room to escape from any kind of crushing predictability (perhaps why the cryptic placeholder film title actually stuck around post the production phase), but even with that, Project X was only ever going to appeal to two relatively small groups of people; those that are foolish enough to want that kind of party, and those that wish they were invited.

"I'll never let go Jack. I'll never let go."

Battleship

Let's be honest, Battleship was probably not Hasbro's finest decision. But while we're waiting for the Transformers series' rumoured reboot, I suppose something had to be done. Now it should hopefully go without saying, Battleships is not a board game that necessarily lends itself to a Hollywood movie treatment. Hopefully that's apparent to most of us, but in case anyone does need it, this film certainly proves the point. In what can only be described as 'loosely' based around the standard "D4, miss. G9, hit; you sunk my destroyer" coloured-pin game of the 60's (and the pen and paper version before that), Battleship uses an alien attack as the basis for a grid-based retaliation by the out-numbered and out-gunned human race. To be fair though, as contrived as it is, it takes a hell of a lot of balls (or just a horrendous writing team) to manage to crowbar something so ridiculous into a movie, so for that alone they do probably deserve some of our admiration. Elsewhere, Battleship does claw back a couple of stars, with the visual effects alone certainly worthy of a mention. That said, they do rather pale into insignificance after having to watch a succession of gut-wrenchingly abysmal dialogue, doubled with Rihanna doing her very best sailor's impression. Overall I guess, Battleship was not a film that was ever really planning to be lauded for its attention to detail or accuracy in continuity, so at least in a couple of respects, it won't disappoint.

Yeah, I think it's safe to say that you've sunk my aircraft carrier.

Gambit

Though the movie shares both a strap line and somewhat of a visual and comic style with one of my favourite TV shows, the con is not really on as much as you'd want it to be in Gambit, the story of a couple of bungling con artists trying to defraud a repulsively bad-mannered art collector (effortlessly played by the inimitable Alan Rickman). In fact, Rickman is more a cherry on the top of a series of rather excellent casting turns, with some of my favourite male actors of the moment completing the cast list in the forms of Colin Firth and Stanley Tucci. Cameron Diaz's unwilling inside-woman from the deep South is the only turn off, though more a fault of the gratingly irritating character than of her acting. In fact, it is more the content of the film itself, feeling more like a Mr Bean sketch than a well thought through heist movie, that provides the ultimate frustration. Though there are certainly some neat touches with the finale, there is a lingering feeling of too little too late, especially as the comedy depths have already been plumbed as low as a sequence involving Colin Firth's trousers, an iron spike, and the outside wall of London's Savoy hotel. The effortless sophistication of Hustle, this most certainly isn't.


I know I'm an annoying cynic, but how much do we think the Savoy invested in Gambit for this kind of placement?

Underworld

A word of warning Hollywood; even supernatural vampire vs. werewolf action films need to follow the rules of consistency to make sense. It's no good trying to convince us that some werewolves can be killed by a single bullet, whereas others can survive whole magazines and still come baying for blood. It's bad enough that (as is the way in all shoot-'em-up specials) our protagonist (in this case an offputtingly sulky Kate Beckinsale) can consistently miss the bad guys when shooting from the other side of a train station platform, yet hit the bullseye on a target from 50 paces just 2 scenes later. Assuming though that it is possible to look past the hideous inconsistencies, there's not really a great deal else that does sell Underworld as a good film. With a convoluted backstory, and a whole bretheren of names to remember, keeping up with the plot requires concentration powers akin to completing a fairground buzzwire. Couple that with the annoying necessity to whack the television contrast up to full (especially as one dark corridor looks very much like the next), and an overly underwhelming state of acting affairs all round (even including the normally over-enthusiastic Bill Nighy), Underworld does seem to have rather a lot to catch up on, and enough bite (sorry, couldn't resist) to do it with.

Thank goodness the rubbish bin has it's own downlight. Just for those night-time litter emergencies...

 

Premium Rush

Well well well, who'd have thunk it? A new Joseph Gordon-Levitt film comes out, and it takes me almost 9 months to see and review it. My head hangs in shame. As far as this film goes however, while there's no need for red-faced embarrassment, I certainly can't say it's any of his greatest work. What translates to the screen as essentially a cut price 'Fast and Furious' knock-off using pushbikes doesn't really provide an overly special payoff, and is probably only worth watching for the main man himself (in shorts, naturally). There are some nice little touches, such as some nifty sat-nav style graphics which overcome the inevitable (albeit strikingly minor) problem of not knowing New York's road system, but overall, the story doesn't really set the screen alight, and suffers a little from the 'Jumper' style anti-climax having never really established enough tension to create any meaningful investment in proceedings. Not quite worthy of three stars (however much that pains me), Premium Rush is easily watchable entertainment that just doesn't quite seem to get going.

Joseph Gordon Levitt proving that he can confidently add burgundy to his list of "colours I suit"

The Sweeney

The original Sweeney TV series actually only ran for four series, and yet was so incredibly popular in its day that it even spawned two cinematic movie spin-offs at the time. Sadly, ending in the late 70s, this was all a little before my time, and so this 2012 version is not a retelling from my particular childhood (and until Hollywood commissions "Challenge Anneka: The Movie", that part of my life will be decidedly lacking). At its heart, The Sweeney's basic premise remains unchanged; a branch of the Metropolitan Police responsible for dealing with London's hardened criminals, with an overarching belief in what they are doing, regardless of rules and authority. Potentially not as hard-hitting and innovative now as it once was, but compelling nonetheless. Sadly, the movie itself doesn't really live up to the name. The story is worryingly forgettable; a blurred amalgamation of a dozen other cop dramas which makes absolutely no lasting impression. The acting is decent enough, once you can tune into the accent, as this is a film that is so cockney, there's a significant danger that it will blow the bass out of your speakers. Assuming it hasn't nicked them first.

Normally directors are more careful when hiding the cameras...

Berberian Sound Studio

Having read such a rave review about Berberian Sound Studio, I came to the movie with high hopes and a four star review already half penned. And while there is no doubt that in its 92 minutes there are some moments of outright genius, the rest becomes such an absolute mind fuck of a film that nothing less than 110% of your concentration is likely to elicit the kind of response that I just know it is capable of. Don't get me wrong, I still think this is a four star film, but it just requires such a specific mood to truly enjoy, which I simply wasn't in at the time. A horror story of sorts, Toby Jones is fantastic as the altogether too British sound engineer Gilderoy, thrust into unfamiliar surroundings with rather dark consequences. The film is an absolute masterclass in generating atmosphere through sound (rather apt given its subject matter), and including some unexpected local colour in the form of Dorking and Box Hill, and the added excitement of being able put some of my offensive Italian into practice, it does have enough in its favour to mean that it should at least be attempted. Just take my lead on this one; draw the curtains, turn the phone and laptop off and just stick with it.

You just might be looking at the very first radish ever to win an Oscar...

Starstruck

As embarrassed as I am to admit this, but not only is this film in my DVD collection, but I have actually watched it. Twice. Another desperate Disney Channel attempt to find the next High School Musical, Starstruck features a Vanessa Hudgens carbon copy so petulant that she becomes instantaneously unlikable, and a teen heartthrob of a leading man with teeth so white that sunglasses should be medically advised. Add in some pop music so teeth shatteringly saccharine that tween audiences around the world will gladly part with their pocket money for his first real life album, and the Disney magic factory has done it again. And all that in a film with so much attention to detail that even the microphone he's singing into in the recording studio isn't plugged in. The worst part of all of it though? I sort of want to watch it again. And sing along.

Is it just me, or is she just taking a photo of her own chin?

Ted

Seth MacFarlane's feature length cinematic debut was always going to draw some (perhaps unfair) comparisons with the various TV series that made his name, yet instead of going out of his way to avoid them, Ted deliberately provokes them, featuring Family Guy references by the bucket load, and including a vast proportion of the cast taking cameo or even lead roles. It does also fall foul of some typical MacFarlane issues, such as the highly American biased humour which may leave international audiences somewhat in the dark. The remainder does benefit from his more standard brand of controversial comedy, though some moments do feel more like misses than hits. The result is certainly one of the more surreal movies of the year, and in my opinion, not overly warranting of the critical acclaim. I may be slightly snobbish, but I'm not a massive fan of the constant drug use, and the story does seem to play pretty predictably with a relatively standard 'romance versus bromance' plotline without a big enough comedic payoff. With the second instalment recently confirmed, it'll be interesting to see how they manage to turn this into a fuller franchise without having to resort to ever more base levels of stupidity for increasingly cheaper laughs. Crikey, I am a snob.



The sad thing is, the first thing I noticed about this scene in the movie was the Axe (Lynx) shampoo in the background. Work to live... Work to live.

 

The Cabin in the Woods

Any who know me will agree; this is not my first choice of genre. I was fully ready to hide behind whatever I could lay my hands on first, especially as the protective powers of a cushion are all too easily dismissed. Fortunately, this film was so laughably unscary that no soft furnishings were required in the watching. The premise is standard enough - American teens, cabin miles from civilisation, death by the paranormal follows. But this movie makes an open promise very early on that all is not as it seems when it turns out that all that transpires is being manipulated by an underground (literally) team. Despite this not being my genre, even I was disappointed. There are moments of shock, things to make you jump, and a zombified family of sadists for company, but none of it quite seems to capture the spirit of why you go to see this kind of movie. Normally I would applaud a movie able to poke fun at itself and yet still remain entertaining, yet in this case it feels like doing that just makes it lose it's edge.

Did I mention? There is one good reason to watch this movie...

Snow White and the Huntsman

So, I'm not quite sure what has sparked the recent interest in re-telling classic children's fairy tales, but here comes another one. To be fair, Snow White and the Huntsman shares very little with it's Disney-fied equivalent, but instead comes with the distinct feel of how 'Lord of the Rings' would have looked had The Brothers Grimm been in charge. Complete with some incredibly odd Indiana Jones style "Kalimaaaaaaa!" powers, and topped off with some hilariously outlandish casting of dwarves (Bob Hoskins, Ray Winston, Nick Frost et al.) it doesn't quite gel as well as it should. Perhaps not my first choice, but Charlize Theron makes for a pretty decent evil queen, however Kristen Stewart appears wholly misplaced, not really delivering the depth of character (or in my opinion, the beauty) to be befitting of "the fairest in the land". One side note of applause is due to the team in charge of costuming; just the sheer number of evil crowns should be commended, but the attention to detail across all of the wardrobes is worth saluting, even if the rest of the film isn't.

Yeah, that looks like seven years bad luck to me...

Beasts of the Southern Wild

I'm probably going to offend a lot of people with this review, as so many (not least the good people at Sundance where it was initially aired) have been utterly transfixed by the beauty and talent on offer in the film. In fact, writing this review so long after the actual release is almost embarrassing, as I'm bound to be left with more than a little egg on my face given that it currently holds one of the spots in the Oscar Best Picture line up, and a raft of other nominations besides. But truthfully, while it may have done it for others, Beasts of the Southern Wild just didn't seem to resonate with me.

Truth be told, there is an enormous amount of beauty in the film. With the exception of the director's over-tendency to pull focus mid-scene (or just not focus on the action at all) there are an extraordinary number of visually arresting stills. Most of them are courtesy of the now infamous Quvenzhané Wallis, a previously unknown little girl without whom (the director quite rightly has asserted) the film couldn't have been made, and who has now entered the history books as the youngest person ever to hold a Best Actress nomination at the Oscars. No mean feat at the age of 9 (or perhaps more incredibly, 6 when the film was shot).



The legend of Top Gear's amphibious cars transfers to the big screen.

Whatever I may have thought of the film, Quvenzhané Wallis' talent is undeniable. Her performance is impeccable throughout, making the award nomination no great surprise. That said, I did have a personal struggle to find any of the characters particularly likable until near the end, but more a feature of the story than the acting itself. Elsewhere, the movie seems to crowbar in a wide variety of additional themes and metaphors, some of which feel more ill-fitting than others. The rampaging Aurochs, an ancient bull-type creature, freed by the melting ice caps (as a part of the slightly odd backdrop of climate change) do feel like a strange inclusion to a story about community and finding identity at a young age, but the ongoing heartbeat motif is perhaps the most draining. While obvious as to it's meaning, it did begin to feel rather rammed down your throat by the end, for no particular emotional benefit. The overall moral message fell foul of the same plight, and although a very worthy and touching notion (we're all a small part of one bigger whole) it did feel rather over-worked by the end.

Dredd 3D

So this seems like a rather obvious disclaimer, but anyone expecting the comic action of the previous (Stallone) Judge Dredd incarnation are going to be rather surprised by this one... Gone is the comedy sidekick, action parody villains and 90's whimsy. Instead, 2012's Dredd has opted for violence that would feel more at home in a horror film, a storyline with drugtaking at it's core, and an 18 certificate.

At it's heart, the plot is a relatively simple one (and actually, all the better for it). What starts as a routine drugs bust with a new rookie partner (sorry, I should have issued a cliché alert), rapidly escalates into a lethal fight-against-a-gang-to-get-to-the-top-of-the-building (again, nothing terribly new here - keep an eye out for last year's 'The Raid') to cast judgement on the ruling drug-lord who's lockdown of the apartment block has them trapped. Now although Dredd 3D doesn't necessarily bring anything new to the genre from a story point of view, the film-makers have certainly made very particular choices in an effort to make sure that the finished product still feels fresh. Confining the action to a single (indoor) location has obvious advantages from a filming and production point of view, but it also allows for even more spectacular explosions, and indeed gives a better perspective of the action in 3D (which is the only way it is possible to watch the film). Aside from those points however, the story centres on the manufacture, distribution and ultimately, taking of a new super-drug (Slo-Mo) which alters the perception of time to 1% of normal. Sounds standard enough, but it's addition seems to come with the sole intention of being able to whack the colour saturation up and switch to some luscious uber-super-slow-mo sequences. Visually stunning, but it does make for pretty gruesome viewing during particular shoot-out scenes.

Erm... run!

Overall, I'm struggling with Dredd 3D. Truth be told, my judgement is going to go against the opinions of the majority, but then this kind of gruesome violence (no matter how "beautiful" as someone described it to me) simply doesn't appeal to me. The film itself is actually relatively enjoyable (despite the clichés), but the vivid depictions of being skinned alive, or having your brain melted from the inside out just don't quite 'do it' for me. What a girl.

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life

As sequels go, the second installment in the video game inspired franchise is not a truly dreadful film; just wildly implausible, hideously clichéd and complete with some gratingly awful directorial decisions. But otherwise, perfectly enjoyable!

Starting with the aforementioned direction, I can't imagine Jan de Bont counts it among his biggest successes (indeed, it's actually taken 10 years to get him back into the director's chair). The most cringing additions to this movie is undoubtedly the random appearances of the all-important golden orb (a particularly pivotal part of the storyline), but which arbitrarily appears, superimposed onto the action in the most hideously inappropriate of places (in Lara's eye for example).

Anyone else wondering what Angelina's looking at...?

Angelina does do her best to keep the thrills of the first going, and in some instances does succeed in making some decent quality entertainment. There has also been nice little touches added for fans of the video games, and a good selection of British actors adorning the screen (in fact, Angelina is the only person appearing on screen with an American birthplace). But still, as much as that will keep fans of the series at bay for a little while, it can never really elevate itself into a position much past "watchable".

Elektra

Let's cut straight to the chase. I have a great many issues with 'Elektra', but the single biggest, is the overwhelming sense of padding that permeates every scene in the first 60% of the movie. Once you've removed the sweeping panoramas while Jennifer Garner looks meditatively into the middle distance, or the cheesy Rocky-esque training montage which does about as much to move the story along as watching her clean the floor for five minutes - another stimulating treat - there's not a whole lot left to actually entertain. It's almost as if the writers came up with a brilliant idea for a climactic final battle between slightly supernatural warriors of good and evil, but forgot to think of a story to get us there.

Sadly the porous nature of the storyline doesn't really end there. 'Elektra' is the only film I've ever seen which professes that once you've killed one single member of a dark-magic worshipping, martial arts practicing Japanese crime syndicate, you're free of their pursual forever. I was always led to believe that an alliance of ninja gangsters were slightly more resolute in their assassination ambitions, but it seems I'm just out of touch with reality.

I don't know what's more concerning - his Johnny Bravo haircut, or where she's intent on sticking that sai...

Although technically a Marvel film, the martial arts inclusion demands a comparison with a very different genre, and one with which it falls a long way short. Even against some of it's superhero peers, the storyline seems a little vapid and particularly lacking in anything approaching genuine substance. Don't get me wrong, it's a vast improvement on the film that prompted the spin-off ('Daredevil'), which I'm sure I will come to review properly one day, but that goes more to show the alarming inadequacy of it's comic-book predecessor than the comparative success of 'Elektra'.